Monday, October 17, 2016

A Dozen Reasons Why Making a Sweater is Terrifying

With winter now officially here in Alberta in spite of the calendar - don't you think Winter is a little greedy demanding more than it's allotted three months? - it's time to make sweaters!

Stop gasping. Okay, grabbing your throat and convulsing on the floor is going a bit extreme, don't you think?

I came across one woman on Facebook who claimed she was terrified to make a sweater which made me wonder what she was so terrified about. My very first knitting project was a sweater that I had to adjust because the needles I had didn't give me the correct gauge.

So after some serious contemplation, I've come up with the following reasons why making a sweater is a terrifying proposition.

  1. During your attempts to make one, your yarn will rise up, curl around you and strangle you to death.
  2. Your needles will revolt. They will leave your hands, levitate upwards, turn around, and stab you in the chest.
  3. Your family will form a circle, hold hands, and dance around you singing "ring around the failure". 
  4. Making a sweater will unlock the door to the zombie apocalypse. Finishing a sweater will unlock the doors to all the other apocalypses. 
  5. Your other sweaters will get jealous and hide your underwear.
  6. Your lovely affectionate cat will turn into a ninja that hides in dark places and pounces on you with nine inch claws and two rows of ten inch teeth.
  7. Making a sweater will cause your significant other to leave you, your children to become drug addicts, that crazy guy in the states to become president, and your cookies to burn. 
  8. After you've completed your sweater your leftover yarn will stare at you. So you decide to use it to make a matching hat. When you are near the end you will run out of yarn which will cause a stop at your LYS. There you will discover that the yarn is no longer available - or even worse - you will discover that it is. You will buy it, go home and make your hat. With the leftover yarn from the hat you will decide to make a matching cowl only to discover when you're nearly finished that you've run out of yarn, so you make a trip to the LYS. After purchasing yarn you go home to make your cowl. With the leftover yarn you will start to make matching mittens. When you are nearly finished, you will run out of yarn so you will go to the LYS...
  9. Buying the same yarn over and over again causes you to pull your hair out of your head.
  10. Now you have to use your yarn money to buy a wig.
  11. If your sweater is a disaster you will still insist on wearing it because you spent all that time and money on it. You will model it defiantly proud while your family and friends say things like, "It's interesting." "You really worked hard on that." "Good for you for finishing that project." "Have you ever considered taking up airplane flying?"
  12. If your sweater ends up being beautiful and fits you to perfection making you look slimmer and your breasts look perkier, your hair shinier and your skin glow like you've been touched by an angel, something even worse will happen. Your family and friends will all demand that you make them one too. 
So guess what we have in store for you this week? Sweater yarn in glorious colors! Jewel tones, fall colors, and neutrals. Of course you could decide to not make a sweater and just stick to scarves, hats and mitts. That's okay too. But come on. I dare you.


100% wool 71 m/78y

We have one copy of this publication! Which
means there may be serious knitting needle
fights and death threats by crochet hook over it.

Regular Price: $9.00
Sale Price: $2.25

Posted by Anna Maria Junus (happy employee who defies the reasons and makes sweaters anyway because I don't know the meaning of  too complicated)

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