Monday, December 12, 2016

Things You Should Not Do To Yarn

Welcome to an episode of "Things You Should Not Do To Yarn".

There are people out there with nothing but time on their hands. They have knit their entire wardrobe. They have provided for every person that they know and many that they don't. They have covered every teapot, every toilet paper roll, and even, knitted coats for the trees in their yard. They have been told repeatedly "no more knitted goods or we'll have to put you in a straight jacket."

So what is a knitter/crocheter to do? Well for starters, they make their own straight jacket.

Marc Jacobs knit straight jacket:
 Note: this is NOT the way you wear a straight jacket. Also note: this is just a sweater that a knitter who loves sleeves got carried away with one drunken night.

 So now that you've made the straight jacket...

Crazy leggings are in fashion. Come on. Is this really any different than what you've got in your closet or on your legs right now? Look it even comes with a tummy hider. I bet yours don't.

I could while away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain.
And my head I'd be scratchin' while
my thoughts were busy hatchin'
If I only had a brain.

Perfect for a boy between the ages of 10 and whatever. Yeah, you know the guy that says "I didn't know I couldn't put metal in the microwave." Also perfect for your American friends who voted for He Who Must Not Be Named. 

Sometimes I feel sorry for models. Yes I know they are prettier than the rest of us which isn't fair. And they make money based on something they didn't earn, which isn't fair. But would you really want to be the guy who has to wear this on the walkway? He is forever captured on the internet for his friends to laugh at him. This will be shown at every birthday party, at his wedding(s), and at any moment when his loved ones will want to humiliate him. Maybe models don't get paid enough. Plus it's pretty hard to pick up girls in an outfit like this no matter how pretty you are.

I could be wrong but it looks like the same model. I think this guy will need some serious therapy sessions. I'm sure there must have been a crying jag in the dressing room after the show. Designers can be so cruel.

Okay, okay. This is what you do. You put this on and come into your kid's room early in the morning before they're awake. Then you wake them up, gently. And when they open their eyes, you smile at them and say "I'm hungry" in a raspy voice.

Cats are supposed to have some level of dignity. It's part of the cat creed. Foisting something like this on your cat could cause him/her to be blackballed by the Cat Association. Yes, such a thing exists. I had cats that told me. Note: Cats are not unicorns.

Yes. That is a sock monkey dress. In fact two sock monkey dresses. All these things need are wings to make them flying sock monkey dresses. Just show up in this for a blind date and see how far the relationship goes. 

Every girl needs a knitted Xena Warrior Princess costume. Not sure how well this will deflect swords or arrows. It might slow the trajectory of a bullet. I wouldn't recommend testing it out. Now this might get you somewhere on a date.

There is a place for ugly Christmas sweaters. There is no place for this. Ever. Not even at Halloween. This is something a serial killer would wear. Don't be a serial killer.

There is one other that I didn't think was appropriate to post on this blog. We have a customer who is being paid to make it and she is horrified by it. There is no way I can show it without offending someone. But here is the link. Note: You have been warned. Do not blame me if your eyes get burned out of your head. DANGER DANGER DANGER

If you clicked on this link I am not responsible for your foolish decision. Take yourself to get some help.

As for this week's sale we offer you some comfort for these traumatizing images. It's soft and you can make pretty things, sensible things, useful things with this yarn. Things that you can be proud of saying "I made this." Of course you can also do to it what shouldn't be done to yarn, but we don't recommend that.

40% Superwash Wool, 40% Acrylic, 20% Alpaca
50 m/50 g Chunky (5)

Regular Price: 4.50
Sale Price: $1.13

Posted by Anna Maria Junus (happy employee who knows how to treat yarn with dignity and respect).

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